Dear Maya, I woke up this morning with your beautiful face in mind. I cannot imagine what you would have looked like today. I can only remember your two year old face. The thought of not having that opportunity tears me up inside but the thought of YOU not having the opportunity to live hurts even more.

*Flips bird to cancer

I only wish to sit beside you and study your face, fold your ten year old clothes, and stop you and Alexandria from fighting over the remote. I wish for all of the headaches we complain about our children. They woke up too early! They didn’t eat their food! They got their clothes dirty!

It’s amazing how you touched so many lives in just 2 years. Over 300 people attended your funeral. The love you have given the world is the only thing that humbles me today. I am crying because I looked at a picture where you touched my face and I could still feel it. Yes, I felt the warmth of your hand. The pain is fresh even after all of these years. People ask if I only have one daughter and sometimes I say yes to avoid talking about it. I then feel a swarm of guilt for lying. It feels as though I am denying your existence. Yet, I know it’s part of the lifelong grief.

I have great memories of us together, good and bad. I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t forgotten and that I miss you everyday. I wish you were here with me. The pain of losing a child is nothing like you could ever imagine. The pain of watching them suffer for months and months before it makes it even more unbearable.

I know how sad it would make you to see me cry. You’d probably give me a hug or a kiss, inclined by your nurturing spirit. I will try to find comfort in that thought of you.

maya

I will always love you. Forever and always.

Love,

Mom

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